Some of us are always the one who says "I'll do it." This week we look at the self-sacrifice lens: where it comes from, why being the responsible child or the good child sets it running, and how it quietly leads to burnout. We get into the guilt that arrives the moment you consider your own needs, the resentment building underneath, and the cycle of giving in, zoning out and then losing your temper. Then three things to try: pause before you agree, sit with the guilt, audit your resentment.

Some of us are always the one who says "I'll do it." This week we look at the self-sacrifice lens: where it comes from, why being the responsible child or the good child sets it running, and how it quietly leads to burnout. We get into the guilt that arrives the moment you consider your own needs, the resentment building underneath, and the cycle of giving in, zoning out and then losing your temper. Then three things to try: pause before you agree, sit with the guilt, audit your resentment.

Storming in is the last of our SOS coping styles, and the hardest to spot in yourself. Sometimes it looks like control: the friend who organises everything. Sometimes it looks like being needy, moody or hard to predict. And sometimes it's a perfectly pleasant conversation where you rubbish someone you secretly envy. We look at shame, envy and jealousy, why storming in feels powerful, what it costs, and how envy can stop being something to hide and start telling you what you want.

Storming in is the last of our SOS coping styles, and the hardest to spot in yourself. Sometimes it looks like control: the friend who organises everything. Sometimes it looks like being needy, moody or hard to predict. And sometimes it's a perfectly pleasant conversation where you rubbish someone you secretly envy. We look at shame, envy and jealousy, why storming in feels powerful, what it costs, and how envy can stop being something to hide and start telling you what you want.

Opting out is the O in SOS: going quiet, letting things drift, cancelling, or sitting right there at dinner with your head somewhere else entirely. In this episode we look at what avoidance does in friendships, why it works brilliantly for about an hour and badly after that, and how social media lets you stay technically in touch while sharing nothing. We also get into the difference that matters most: space you have actually chosen, and withdrawal you have fallen into.

Submitting is the S in SOS: people-pleasing, saying yes when you mean no, quietly putting yourself last. In this episode we get specific about what that looks like in friendships, from moulding yourself into the funny one at school to pulling over to apologise by text while lost with the petrol light on. We talk about why we do it, why it never delivers the connection we're after, and what the Lifeguard and RESET offer instead. Can you be a good enough friend without losing yourself?

Friendships change in your forties and nobody warns you. We revisit a fallout of our own — the time Lisa announced she was moving to Gibraltar because she was lonely — and use it to look at what happens when circles shrink and priorities shift. We talk quality versus quantity, the childhood experiences that shape how comfortable we are alone, and the coping styles that surface when friendships wobble. Plus the question worth sitting with: what keeps loneliness in place?

We disagree properly in this one. Lisa reckons older women are more visible now than they've ever been. Tanya, having left a senior NHS role to start something from scratch, feels distinctly less so. Somewhere between those positions we get into middle-ageism, perimenopause, Erikson's idea of generativity versus stagnation, and the shift from being valued for how you look to finding meaning in what you contribute. We also introduce our SOS model — submit, opt out, or storm in — and what it looks like to respond as a lifeguard instead.

Not sure where to begin? Start right here. In our very first episode, we introduce ourselves, explain a little bit about what schema therapy actually is, and discuss why we decided to turn our years of friendship and professional partnership into this podcast.

Not sure where to begin? Start right here. In our very first episode, we introduce ourselves, explain a little bit about what schema therapy actually is, and discuss why we decided to turn our years of friendship and professional partnership into this podcast.