The Unrelenting Standards lens, and why it keeps us running long after we are tired
A 2Together article inspired by the final episode of the Unstuck burnout series
Some lenses slow us down. This one keeps us running.
Do it properly.
Keep going.
You can rest when it's finished.
And somehow, it is never quite finished.
This is the final part of our burnout series. We have looked at Self Sacrifice (everybody needs me, so I keep giving) and Defectiveness/Shame (I'm struggling, so something must be wrong with me). This time we are looking at a lens we both know very well: Unrelenting Standards.
A trip to the rage room
One of us recently took the other on a surprise trip. The only clue was to wear old trainers that might get muddy.
It turned out to be a rage room: a space where you are handed tools and actively encouraged to smash things. Exactly what you might prescribe for someone in surgical menopause.
What happened next was revealing.
We froze. Then we got quite stressed about breaking things. Then something else kicked in: well, we've got a job to do. So we set about smashing everything properly, thoroughly and efficiently.
About fifteen minutes later, one of us was looking for the sweeping brush so we could tidy up.
Even letting go, it turns out, can become a task to do well.
What is the Unrelenting Standards lens?
In Schema Therapy, Unrelenting Standards is one of the schemas. At 2Together, we call schemas lenses, because they shape what we see.
The Unrelenting Standards lens carries a sense that we must always meet very high standards of behaviour and performance, usually to avoid criticism, and that we should be highly critical of ourselves when we fall short.
In ordinary life, it can sound like:
I can do better than that.
It's never good enough.
I should be further ahead by now.
If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it properly.
I can only relax once everything's finished.
I haven't got time to waste.
One of the hardest parts is that there is rarely any sense of satisfaction. You don't get to put something down and feel that it is good enough. You are left with a nagging feeling that you could have done a bit more, or done it better. Being proud of what you've done can feel almost impossible.
High standards are not the problem
This matters, especially if you recognise yourself here.
Being ambitious, conscientious and caring about doing things well are strengths. Lots of good things in the world exist because people cared about getting them right.
The problem is not high standards. It is when they become rigid, relentless and costly, and nothing is ever good enough.
High standards are chosen. Unrelenting standards feel compulsory.
Why this lens can lead to burnout
In the first episode of this series, we talked about burnout not just as a work problem but as something that can happen across the whole of life, when demands keep outstripping the resources we have to meet them.
For one of us, burnout came from demands arriving from every direction at once: work, home, family and everything in between. When life is in balance, an Unrelenting Standards lens can come with real energy. You can juggle a great deal, and even enjoy it.
But when one or two areas of life become difficult, the lens doesn't adjust. It keeps demanding the same level of effort, which really means perfection. And perfection is impossible.
It can also come with a harsh inner voice: the part of us that keeps telling us what we should be doing and achieving, and puts us down when we fall short. A demanding inner critic and an Unrelenting Standards lens together make burnout much more likely.
Then SOS kicks in
Submit
We believe the lens. We treat it as true that we should be perfect, keep going, never relax and always get everything right.
So we work far beyond our capacity and resources.
For one of us, a day ruled by this lens looks like this. Up at 5am with the youngest. By the time everyone else is up at 7, a wash is on, the dishes are done, a bit of ironing is finished, some work on a report has been done and a child has been fed. And the day carries on like that. Working from home makes it worse: five spare minutes becomes a chance to do something else. Visitors are likely to find her ironing, mopping, unpacking boxes, carrying a child, or with a laptop open in any gap.
On a bad day, with hormones out of balance since surgical menopause, that ends with going to bed anxious about everything still left to do, and often falling asleep on the laptop.
Even rest gets taken over. There is no recharge, because downtime is filled with what you should be doing.
On a good day, the same day can end with: wow, I've achieved a lot today, and a book in bed. What changes is not the workload. It is the state we are in, and how strongly the lens is active.
Submit can also look like procrastination. It seems the opposite of working hard, but it often comes from the same place: I would rather not start than start and not do it to the standard I need. So the task sits there, and the dread builds.
Opt Out
When the standard feels impossible, we avoid the whole arena. We step away, zone out, withdraw and hide.
During a few weeks when one of us fell off a cliff, this is what happened. Shutting off and pulling away from responsibilities quietened things down and took some of the pressure off. It felt like permission to rest.
But it isn't healthy rest. It is hiding. And it has a cost that comes surprisingly quickly: if nobody can see you are struggling, nobody can help. People keep putting demands on you that they don't realise you can't take. Even at home, memories can be short about someone who has recently had major surgery and needs time to recalibrate.
The very thing someone on the way to burnout needs, a chance to take stock and say this is all I can do right now, becomes unavailable.
And often another lens joins in. When someone finally asks, Self Sacrifice can answer for us: Oh no, I'm fine. Lenses don't work one at a time. They overlap, or one quickly takes over from another.
Storm In
Underneath an Unrelenting Standards lens there is usually vulnerability: a fear of getting it wrong, of being criticised, of not being enough. Storm In fights against that vulnerability.
At work, it can look like tightening control on others, taking over, struggling to delegate because nobody else will do it properly, and becoming impatient or critical with people who don't meet your standards.
It can also look like doubling down after a mistake: working harder, preparing more, making sure it can never happen again. The anxiety about not being good enough gets turned into action.
On a good day, that can look like productivity. On a bad day, it becomes perfectionism. Either way, it can look extremely competent from the outside. Which means you can be burning out while everyone thinks you are on top of everything.
The difference is in the energy underneath. With Submit, we are obeying the demanding voice. With Storm In, we are fighting the vulnerability, or trying to prove that voice wrong.
The burnout loop
Life is demanding.
The Unrelenting Standards lens says: keep going. Do it properly. You should be able to manage this.
Needs like rest, pleasure and limits go out of the window.
We cope through SOS: pushing harder, avoiding, controlling, procrastinating, numbing or perfecting.
Recovery gets postponed.
Our capacity drops.
And reduced capacity is answered with even more pressure: come on, sort yourself out.
The more exhausted we become, the harder we feel we have to try, to make up for being exhausted.
And so the loop feeds itself.
Call in the Lifeguard
The Lifeguard, which draws on what Schema Therapy calls the Healthy Adult, is the part of us that can step back and see the loop for what it is. We can't see it unless we slow down. When we are in it, it is very hard to notice.
If you have this lens, you might find that a little frightening. Is the Lifeguard telling you to lower every standard, stop caring and lie on the sofa?
No. That would be another way of coping.
When a lens is active, we tend to think in extremes: either everything is excellent, or we've given up. The Lifeguard questions that. It might ask:
Does this need to be perfect?
Who decided this was the standard?
What would good enough genuinely look like here?
What am I afraid would happen if I stopped now?
Am I respecting a limit, or treating it as a weakness?
Have I let myself register what I've already done?
If you answered those in your head with yes, me, there's no such thing, I'd fall apart, weakness, and no, you are not alone. One of us answered exactly like that.
The Lifeguard isn't asking you to stop caring about doing things well. It is asking whether everything really needs your maximum effort, and whether you are allowed to be a human being who rests when the job is done.
Balance and limits, not letting it all go.
Use RESET
Recognise
Notice the loop. I've moved into more, better, faster again. Which lens am I looking through?
Exhale
Create a little space before automatically doing the next thing.
Slow
Resist the urge to fix, perfect, add, redo or squeeze in one more task.
Explore
What is the actual need here? What standard is genuinely enough? What will it cost me if I keep pushing?
Take One Step
Just one thing. Finish at good enough. Send the email. Leave the washing. Delegate the task. Sit down. Stop mopping. Let someone else do it differently.
We know these things are much easier to say than to do, especially when you are in the loop. That is exactly why stepping back matters, and why talking to someone outside can help so much.
Try one small experiment
If you recognise this lens in yourself, choose one low stakes thing and deliberately do it as good enough rather than your best.
You might let the to do list stay unfinished for a day. Send a child to school in an unironed T-shirt. Stop working at 9pm and read a book in bed.
For one of us, the experiment is simple: rest at the end of the day means rest.
What to take away
Unrelenting standards are not the same as being ambitious or conscientious. The problem is when the standard becomes rigid, relentless and costly.
Burnout becomes more likely when there is no reliable route from achievement to recovery. If finishing one thing simply starts the next, recovery never arrives.
Good enough is not giving up. Sometimes it is the psychologically healthy recognition that time, energy and human beings all have limits.
If you are working on something right now, you could ask yourself:
If no one were assessing me, what would actually be good enough?
The burnout series
Across four conversations, we have explored what happens when the demands of life repeatedly go beyond what we can give.
Self Sacrifice tells us everyone needs me, so I have to keep giving.
Defectiveness/Shame tells us I'm struggling, so something must be wrong with me.
Unrelenting Standards tells us keep doing more, better, for longer.
Different lenses. Different routes into the same exhaustion.
And across all of them, the Lifeguard asks the same questions: What is happening? What do I need? Is my automatic response helping? What is one manageable step I could take now?
A few things to think about
Where in my life does good enough never feel good enough?
When can I genuinely let myself rest, and what has to happen first?
Do I tend to push harder, procrastinate, withdraw or take control when I'm stretched?
Is there anything I avoid starting because I'm afraid it won't be perfect?
What have I achieved recently that I haven't let myself register?
Who decided my standards, and do they still fit my life now?
What is one thing I could deliberately do as good enough this week?
Listen to the conversation
This article grew out of our Unstuck episode on burnout and the Unrelenting Standards lens, the final part of our burnout series, where we talk about rage rooms, mopping, procrastination, and what good enough might genuinely look like.
Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts or Spotify
Next time, we turn to midlife dating. If you have a dilemma, story or experience you would like us to explore, get in touch through our website at 2-together.com or send us a message or voice note on Instagram. We may look at it in depth, or use it to illustrate a point.
If this got you thinking
A few places to go next if you want to explore perfectionism, self compassion and burnout.
Schema Therapy
Reinventing Your Life, Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
An accessible introduction to longstanding patterns, including what the authors call the unrelenting standards lifetrap.
Books
The Perfection Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough, Thomas Curran
A psychologist's look at why perfectionism has risen so sharply, what it costs us, and why good enough may be better for us than we think.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski
Particularly relevant to women carrying invisible load, and to the gap between dealing with stressors and actually recovering from stress.
Self compassion
Kristin Neff on self compassion
Research, guided practices and exercises for treating yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.
More from the “Unstuck Conversation” series
Listen to the “Unstuck” podcast
Listen to the episodes here on 2 Together, or wherever you normally get your podcasts.
