There is a moment in burnout that can be harder than the exhaustion itself. It is the moment when I am struggling quietly becomes there is something wrong with me. You forget an appointment, snap at the children, leave an email for a week, and a colleague asks if you are okay. Instead of hearing concern, you hear that you have been found out. This is the Defectiveness and Shame lens, and it turns tiredness into a verdict on your worth.

It doesn't always start with someone asking too much of us. Sometimes it begins with us repeatedly saying yes. Yes, I will sort it. Yes, I am fine. For a while, it looks like competence, reliability, kindness. Then one day you are exhausted, resentful, vaguely furious with everyone, and you cannot remember the last time you asked what you needed. This is the Self-Sacrifice lens, and here is how it quietly feeds burnout at work and at home.

A friend gets the promotion, the house, the holiday, and you say something lovely. Then comes the but, in your head or out loud to a mate. This is Storming In, the third of our SOS coping responses, and it rarely looks like aggression. It can look like being organised, taking charge, or a bit of gossip. We talk envy, jealousy and the shame that follows both, and why envy can be useful information about something you want for yourself.

A reply takes three days rather than three hours. Then a week. Plans get harder to make. Eventually the friendship exists mostly in birthday messages. Sometimes stepping back is exactly what we need. Sometimes it is Opting Out, our word for the avoidance side of coping, and the two look almost identical from the outside. The difference is usually what is driving it: whether you are choosing some space, or disappearing because something has made you feel vulnerable.

Turning up, remembering birthdays, never making it all about you. Lovely qualities, until being thoughtful quietly becomes never saying no. We are both prone to people pleasing, and we both know the small, furious voice that arrives later asking: what about me? Some of our most familiar coping patterns look remarkably like being nice. Here is how to tell the difference between caring about a friend and disappearing inside the friendship.