I'm Happy for You. So Why Am I Jealous?

22 Sept

Jealousy is one of those feelings most of us would rather not admit to.

We can usually tolerate saying that we are sad, worried, stressed or even angry. Jealousy feels different. It can come with a horrible second wave of shame: not only do I feel this, now I hate myself for feeling it.

That is partly what makes it so psychologically interesting.

Because when a feeling is difficult to own, we are much more likely to do something with it before we have worked out what it is trying to tell us.

What if jealousy is not a verdict on your character, but information about where you feel vulnerable?

Storm In is not just shouting

At 2Together, Storm In is our everyday language for the overcompensating side of Schema Therapy's coping model.

It is what can happen when we fight against vulnerability instead of sitting with it. We act in the opposite direction to whatever we are frightened of feeling.

At the extreme end, that can look controlling, intimidating, aggressive or punitive.

But in ordinary life it can look much more socially acceptable.

Taking charge. Organising everything. Becoming perfectionistic. Being the competent one. Texting repeatedly when we feel insecure. Going cold when somebody has hurt us. Or putting another person down because something about them has made us feel inadequate.

That last one is uncomfortable, because most of us have done some version of it.

The 'yes, but...' moment

You see somebody doing well and think: 'She looks amazing... but she has definitely had work done.'

Or: 'Their house is gorgeous... but they must be drowning in debt.'

Or: 'She has lost loads of weight... but she looks a bit gaunt now.'

Sometimes that little 'but' is harmless chat.

Sometimes it is doing a psychological job.

Something about the other person has touched an insecurity in us, and diminishing them gives us a momentary lift away from our own vulnerable feeling.

That is Storming In. Not because we are monsters, but because for a few seconds it is easier to pull somebody else down than to admit: 'Ouch. I want something they have.'

Envy can be useful information

This is where the conversation becomes much more interesting than simply telling ourselves not to be jealous.

Envy can contain a longing.

Maybe somebody else's career makes us realise how stuck we feel in our own.

Maybe seeing a group of friends together touches how lonely we have become.

Maybe somebody else's confidence exposes how much we have been shrinking ourselves.

Maybe their freedom, relationship, body, home, family life, recognition or sense of fun points towards something we want more of.

That does not mean we are entitled to what they have.

It means the feeling might contain information about us.

Instead of asking, 'What is wrong with me for feeling this?', try: 'What is this feeling pointing towards?'

Jealousy, shame and women

There is another layer here for women.

Competition between men is often culturally framed as ambition, strength or drive. Competition between women has a much messier reputation.

Women are expected to be supportive of one another, and rightly so. But that can leave very little room to admit that admiration and competition can coexist.

So the competition sometimes goes underground.

We compare bodies, parenting, relationships, houses, careers, ageing, confidence and social lives. Then we feel ashamed that we compared in the first place.

Social media can pour petrol on this. We are exposed to other people's good news, milestones, holidays, bodies and relationships all day long, often at precisely the moments when our own lives feel least shiny.

Storming-In can have energy in it

We do not want to make Storming In inherently bad.

Taking charge can be useful. Anger can tell us a boundary has been crossed. A sense of power can help us move when we have felt passive or trapped.

Even envy can become energy.

It can prompt us to apply for the job, make the call, create more connection, pursue something that matters or admit that a part of our life needs attention.

The problem is not the energy itself.

It is what we do with it.

When Storming In starts costing us

If we cannot tolerate the vulnerability underneath, Storming In can become controlling, critical, demanding or punishing.

We might need everybody to do things our way.

We might bombard somebody with messages when we fear rejection.

We might withdraw warmth so they know we are angry.

We might gossip, sneer or dismiss.

Or we might take on everything, run ourselves ragged and then feel furious that nobody notices what we need.

The irony is that a coping response designed to protect us from rejection can end up pushing people away.

Call in the Lifeguard

The Lifeguard is not there to tell us off for being jealous.

It notices the urge to act and becomes curious about what sits underneath it.

If you have been left out, for example, the immediate urge might be to send the message, confront somebody, punish them with silence or tell another friend exactly what you think of them.

The Lifeguard slows that down.

Use RESET

Recognise: What is my urge right now? To text? Confront? Criticise? Withdraw? Put somebody down?

Exhale: Create a little space before doing anything.

Slow: You do not have to act at the speed of the emotion.

Explore: What am I actually feeling? Hurt? Shame? Powerlessness? Inadequacy? Envy? Jealousy? What do I need?

Take One Step: Choose something that responds to the need rather than simply getting you away from the feeling.

Owning it without attacking yourself

Sometimes the most powerful first step is simply owning what is happening.

'I'm feeling jealous.'

'I feel left out.'

'I do not feel good enough at the moment.'

'Part of me really wants what she has.'

That is not the same as endorsing every thought or urge that follows.

It is simply refusing to run from your own experience.

And once you can do that, the feeling becomes something you can work with rather than something that has to run the show.

Envy might be telling you what you long for. Anger might be telling you where a boundary sits. Hurt might be telling you that the relationship matters.

A few things to think about

• Who tends to activate envy or jealousy in me?

• What do they seem to have that I want or fear I lack?

• What do I usually do with that feeling?

• Do I diminish them, compete, control, gossip, withdraw warmth or overwork?

• What need might the feeling be pointing towards?

• If I did not shame myself for feeling it, what useful information might be left?

Listen to the conversation

This article grew out of our Unstuck episode, I'm Happy For You. So Why Am I Jealous?, where we explore Storming In, control, envy, jealousy, shame and what happens when vulnerability gets turned into action.