The Burnout Loop: Am I The Problem?

Unstuck Conversations

14 Oct

Written By Tanya & Lisa

The Burnout Loop: Am I The Problem?

When exhaustion turns into a verdict on your worth

A 2Together article inspired by the Unstuck episode The Burnout Loop: Am I The Problem?

There is a moment in burnout that can be harder than the exhaustion itself.

It is the moment when I'm struggling quietly becomes there is something wrong with me.

You forget an appointment. You snap at the children. An email sits unanswered for a week. A colleague asks if you're okay.

And instead of thinking, my life is too full at the moment, you hear a much harsher voice:

Everyone else manages. Why can't you?

This is the second part of our burnout series. Last time we looked at the Self Sacrifice lens: everybody needs me, so I keep going. This time we are looking at a lens that turns tiredness into a verdict on our worth.

A small word about failure

Before we got into it, one of us mentioned hearing the actor Sally Phillips talk about clown school, which she loves partly because it is, in essence, a celebration of failure.

Imagine that for a moment. Forgetting a word, tripping over, getting it wrong, and treating it as something to enjoy instead of something to hide.

Most of us find that almost impossible.

The other one of us had walked into a lamppost the night before while looking at her phone. We were not entirely sure whether that called for celebration or commiseration. We settled on a drink.

But it set the scene well. Because for some people, getting something wrong is just an event. For others, it feels like proof of something much deeper.

What is the Defectiveness/Shame lens?

In Schema Therapy, Defectiveness/Shame is one of the schemas. At 2Together, we call schemas lenses, because they shape what we see.

The Defectiveness/Shame lens carries an enduring sense that there is something flawed, inferior, bad or unlovable about us, particularly when our shortcomings feel exposed.

In ordinary life, it can sound like:

I should be able to cope.

Everyone else seems to manage.

Why am I finding this so hard?

People are going to realise I'm not actually very good at this.

I'm failing as a mother. As a partner. As a daughter. As a friend. As a colleague.

The important thing is that this is not simply I did something wrong. It is much closer to there is something wrong with me.

A difficult moment stops being a difficult moment. It becomes a description of the whole person. Forgetting one appointment becomes I'm unreliable. Losing your temper once becomes I'm a terrible mother.

For both of us, the big one is I should be able to cope. And underneath it, the even harder question: what is wrong with me that I can't?

Why burnout activates this lens so powerfully

Think about what burnout does to us.

We become more forgetful. Less productive. More irritable. Less organised. Less sociable. Less able to concentrate. The plates we normally keep spinning start to wobble.

Someone without a Defectiveness/Shame lens might look at all of that and think: I'm absolutely exhausted.

Someone looking through the lens is more likely to think: Look at you. You can't even cope with your own life.

And then comes the comparison.

We compare our experience from the inside with everybody else's from the outside. We know about the unanswered messages, the frustration and the sheer effort it takes to get through the day. We have no idea what anyone else is struggling with, or how much support they have behind them.

It is a hopelessly uneven comparison. But that is exactly what lenses do. They distort.

The same exhaustion can be read by one person as information about their load, and by another as evidence about their worth.

Where it shows up

At home

You are exhausted, the kitchen is a mess, you forget something for school and you snap.

The event is simple: I'm overloaded.

The lens adds a story: Good mothers cope better than this. Other women manage. I'm a terrible mum right now.

For one of us, this has been painfully real. In the weeks since a hysterectomy and surgical menopause, with hormones all over the place, the voice has been relentless: you should be coping better. There's something wrong with you. Everyone else manages. Rarely has the kinder voice got a word in: you've just had major surgery. Give yourself a break.

And this is despite being a psychologist who knows exactly what is happening. That is how powerful a lens can be.

At work

You used to be on top of everything. Now there are hundreds of unanswered emails, you lose your thread in a meeting, and a colleague asks, "Are you okay?"

Instead of hearing concern, you hear: They've noticed. They don't think I'm any good. They've found me out.

The threat is no longer tiredness. It is exposure. That fear of finally being seen as a fraud is something we think is rarely talked about in burnout, and it is deeply anxiety provoking.

But again, it is a lens. However real it feels, it does not mean that is what is happening.

When caring for parents

You are juggling work, your own family and an ageing parent, and you notice yourself becoming irritated with them. Then comes the shame: what kind of daughter feels like this towards someone who is elderly?

Instead of I've had a really hard day and I'm exhausted, it becomes what sort of person am I?

And if someone offers to help, the lens can make that feel like more evidence that you are failing too.

In relationships

When we are stressed, many of us withdraw. Then a partner or friend says, "You've been really distant lately."

What they may mean is I've missed you.

What the lens hears is you're failing at this too.

Why it feels so real

This is one of the main reasons Schema Therapy was developed.

People would say, I know logically that this belief isn't true. But I don't feel it.

When a lens is activated, we tend to feel the way we felt when it was first formed. If we felt ashamed or not good enough as children, that same cringing feeling comes rushing back: oh no, what have I done? I'm in so much trouble.

Someone can tell you how wonderful you are a hundred times. You can even know it is true. And still not feel it.

The needs underneath

Like every lens, this one connects to core emotional needs that are being squeezed.

Connection and acceptance. Can I still be loved and belong when I'm not doing brilliantly?

Freedom to express needs and emotions. It is very hard to say I'm overwhelmed and I need help when this lens is active.

Autonomy. Can I make choices based on what I actually need, instead of managing how I appear to other people?

Then SOS kicks in

Submit

We believe the lens. They're right. I'm useless.

We become self critical and compare ourselves to everybody else. We withdraw from opportunities where we expect to fail. Every time we run out of capacity, we treat it as fresh proof of inadequacy.

Opt Out

We hide.

We avoid messages, colleagues and social contact. We keep our distress private, because letting anyone see it would feel like more evidence of failure. Above all, we avoid asking for help.

Or we escape: scrolling, a bit too much wine, switching off in front of the television, browsing for clothes. It brings temporary relief. Then comes the criticism for being frivolous or unproductive, and the lens gets stronger.

Storm In

Shame does not always look like shame. Sometimes it looks like the opposite.

Someone says, "You forgot to send that," and the lens hears you've been exposed. So we push back. We snap, become defensive, blame others, take control or refuse help.

Or we work even harder, becoming perfectionistic to prove we are the opposite of what the lens says. For a moment there is relief. In the long run we are more overworked, less able to keep up, and the lens is reinforced again.

The burnout loop

Put it all together and it becomes a loop.

Life becomes too demanding.

Our capacity drops, because we are exhausted.

The Defectiveness/Shame lens kicks in: other people cope, so there must be something wrong with me.

We feel shame, and a fear of being exposed.

We cope through SOS: hiding, criticising ourselves, attacking, or working even harder.

So we don't ask for rest, help or the changes we need.

We become even more depleted, our functioning drops further, and the lens says: see? I knew I couldn't cope.

Burnout becomes the problem, the consequence and the evidence, all at once.

And the loop can follow us into recovery. I've had time off, I should be better by now. People will get fed up with me. So we present ourselves as fine before we are ready, and even getting better becomes something we feel we are doing badly.

Call in the Lifeguard

The Lifeguard, which draws on what Schema Therapy calls the Healthy Adult, is the part of us that can step back and see the loop for what it is.

It shifts the question from:

What's wrong with me?

to:

What is happening to me, and what might I need?

It sounds simple. In the moment, it is anything but. But it can help to ask:

What else might explain this?

What am I carrying at the moment?

What have I not had enough of?

Am I exhausted, rather than defective?

Would I see it this way if it were a friend of mine?

Some people worry that being kinder to themselves will mean letting themselves off. Especially if criticism is what has always kept them going.

But the Lifeguard is not about avoiding responsibility. If you snap at your child, you can apologise, repair and think about what needs to change. You do not also need to call yourself a terrible mother.

Responsibility without punishment.

Use RESET

Recognise

Notice the shift from I'm struggling to I'm a failure.

Exhale

Create a little space. You don't need to prove yourself, apologise for existing or attack back straight away.

Slow

Resist the urge to act on the verdict immediately.

Explore

Separate the event from the meaning the lens has given it. What actually happened? Why might I have forgotten? What was I needing? What would I say to someone I love in exactly the same situation?

Take One Step

Choose one small response that moves you towards what you need.

Three steps out of the loop

If you recognise burnout in yourself, and you can see this lens at work, these are three things you can try.

1. Catch the verdict

Notice when I'm struggling becomes I'm useless. Then describe what is happening without judging yourself: I'm exhausted and finding things harder at the moment. Full stop.

2. Check the load

Before asking what is wrong with you, ask what you are carrying. What support is missing? Is there one demand you could reduce, postpone or share?

3. Let someone in

This is the hardest one, and both of us have found it difficult. Choose someone you trust and say:

I've been making this look easier than it feels.

Then make one specific request: help with a task, some time to rest, or simply someone to listen.

A few things to think about

When I'm exhausted, what do I tend to tell myself it means about me?
Where does I should be able to cope show up in my life?
Who am I comparing myself with, and how much do I really know about what they're carrying?
When someone asks if I'm okay, what do I hear?
When the lens is on, do I tend to Submit, Opt Out or Storm In?
What am I carrying right now that I haven't fully acknowledged?
Who could I let in, and what would I ask them for?

If you are struggling with this, it deserves attention and support. It is not a verdict on your worth.

Listen to the conversation

This article grew out of our Unstuck episode The Burnout Loop: Am I The Problem?, where we explore the Defectiveness/Shame lens, why burnout can turn exhaustion into a verdict on our worth, and three steps for beginning to step out of the loop.

Listen to The Burnout Loop: Am I The Problem? on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

Next time, we look at burnout through the Unrelenting Standards lens: the voice that says you should always do more, always do better and always get it right.

If this got you thinking

A few places to go next if you want to explore shame, self-compassion, failure and burnout.

Schema Therapy

Reinventing Your Life, Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

An accessible introduction to longstanding patterns, including what the authors call the defectiveness life trap, and the ways they follow us into adult life.

Self compassion

Kristin Neff on self-compassion

Research, guided practices and exercises for treating yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.

The Compassionate Mind Foundation

Founded by psychologist Paul Gilbert, with accessible resources on shame, self-criticism, and compassion-focused approaches.

Burnout

Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski

Particularly relevant to women carrying invisible load, and to the gap between dealing with stressors and actually recovering from stress.

Podcasts

How To Fail with Elizabeth Day: Brené Brown

Elizabeth Day's podcast about learning from what goes wrong, here in conversation with Brené Brown, whose research focuses on shame and vulnerability.