Midlife Relationships: Why Now?

29 Oct

Why midlife brings our relationship patterns into such sharp focus

A 2Together article inspired by the first episode of the Unstuck series on relationships in midlife

How can you feel so competent in so many areas of your life, perhaps more confident than you have ever felt as an adult woman, and then be completely undone by somebody not replying to a text?

That question came up again and again when we asked you to share your experiences of relationships in midlife. Thank you to everyone who got in touch. Your stories were brave, honest and incredibly rich, and they have shaped this whole series.

What you told us

A few themes kept returning.

Dating again. Feeling capable and grounded in most of life, yet thrown by silence, uncertainty or rejection.

Endings. Long relationships that no longer feel right, whether the decision to leave was yours or felt as if it was thrust upon you. And relationships that don't need to end, but do need to change.

Bodies and intimacy. The dread of being seen naked with the lights on. Changes in libido and desire that come with menopause. A changing relationship with our own bodies.

Wanting a partner, but not wanting to share everything. Wanting closeness and commitment, but not necessarily wanting to live together or merge your whole life.

Why midlife, and why now?

Relationship patterns can show up at any age, for women and men. But midlife brings a particular collision of things.

There is divorce and separation. You may have heard the term "grey divorce", meaning divorce after the age of 50. It comes from research by Susan Brown and I-Fen Lin, published in 2012, which found that divorce rates among people aged 50 and over in the United States roughly doubled between 1990 and 2010. The data is not new, but the phrase has stuck, and it captures something real.

There is bereavement, long periods of being single, and the strangeness of dating after years or decades away from it. Many of us last dated when you met someone in a bar, and now find ourselves navigating apps.

There are children growing up, parents needing more care, and responsibilities shifting. And there is menopause, with its effects on our bodies, our confidence and our desire.

We have also noticed midlife relationships being talked about more widely. Sharon Horgan's comedy Youth, about dating again after divorce, touches on so much of this: wanting connection while navigating menopause, teenage children, ageing parents and how you feel about yourself at this stage of life. She has also spoken about the idea of a "ticking clock" that pressures women to find a partner before it is somehow too late. We have been here before, of course, with the clock about having children. We would love to see that myth dispelled.

Above all, we want this series to hold onto something important. Midlife is not only a time of loss and pressure. It can also be a time of growth: of realising what you actually want, choosing differently, and building a more honest and enjoyable relationship with others and with yourself, your body included.

A quick reminder of our model

If you are new to Unstuck, here is the language we use.

Lenses are our way of describing what Schema Therapy calls schemas. They are patterns of thoughts, feelings, body sensations, memories and expectations about ourselves and other people, usually formed in childhood or adolescence.

Close relationships bring lenses into very sharp focus. Suddenly we might fear being left, feel we are not good enough, or struggle to believe that our needs matter.

SOS describes how we cope when a lens is activated.

Submit: we behave as if the lens is true, and act accordingly.

Opt Out: we avoid situations, or whole relationships, that might activate the lens, because that feels so painful.

Storm In: we fight against the lens, trying to overcome it.

Each of these can strengthen the lens over time, which is how we get stuck.

The Lifeguard is the part of us that can step back, understand what is happening, and choose a response that takes into account both our needs and the actual situation in front of us.

Anna's story

One of the stories you sent us captures so much of what this series is about. We'll call her Anna.

Anna is 53 and 18 months out of a long marriage. She truly believes separating was the right decision. But it was not the future she expected, and she misses everyday companionship. The life she imagined, and all the plans that came with it, have gone.

She has a good group of friends who support her. Even so, Friday evenings feel lonely.

Anna has started dating again. And she has noticed something: she keeps putting his needs before her own. She is wondering how much of that is about making sure he likes her, and doesn't leave.

Loss is not always a lens

Before thinking about lenses, it matters to say this clearly. Loss is part of life. Grief and hurt after a relationship ends are understandable, whether the ending was chosen or not. Not every painful feeling means a lens has been activated.

If we were working with Anna, part of the work would be gently separating the two: the very real grief and change that is happening now, and the parts where an older lens may have been reactivated. Old beliefs, such as people will leave me, I'm not worth staying for or I'm destined to be alone, can make real loss feel even heavier than it already is.

Which lenses might be involved?

We might wonder whether Anna carries an Abandonment lens: a deep expectation that people will leave, or won't be stable and reliable.

Alongside it, there might be a Defectiveness/Shame lens: a sense that if people saw the real her, they would reject her.

Or perhaps Subjugation or Self-Sacrifice: a familiar habit of putting other people's wishes and needs first.

How might she be coping?

From what she describes, Anna may be Submitting. She is accommodating, going along with his plans and what he wants, even though she knows they are not always what she wants.

So the questions become:

Which lens might this be a response to?

How can she notice it when it happens?

Is this kindness and thoughtfulness, or is it coping with an old lens?

Has this played a part in my relationships before?

There may also be a little of that ticking clock in there. A sense of pressure, and a quiet fear that she should settle, because she isn't sure what else she deserves.

What this series will explore

That conversation is really what the whole series will look like. Not neat answers, but curiosity:

What lenses might I have? How do they get activated in relationships? And how do I cope when they are?

When we are coping with a lens instead of seeing it, we are more likely to repeat old patterns, finding ourselves with the same kind of person, in the same kind of situation, or breaking up for the same reasons.

Over the coming episodes, we will look at:

The lenses behind familiar patterns, especially Abandonment and Defectiveness/Shame, and why the same patterns keep returning.

Libido and our changing bodies, including menopause, differences in desire, body confidence and intimacy, with someone familiar or someone new.

Wanting a partner but keeping your independence, from sharing time, homes and routines to whether commitment can include living apart.

Age gaps, particularly older women with younger men: attraction, judgement, insecurity and different life stages.

Dating apps, and what it is like to re-enter dating after a long time away: comparison, rejection, silence, and protecting your sense of worth.

And all the way through, we will keep coming back to the Lifeguard and RESET. How can you step back, see what is happening, and make midlife relationships a time when you do things differently?

A few things to think about

What has midlife changed about what I want, or don't want, from a relationship?
Is there a loss I am still grieving, even if the decision was right?
In relationships, when do I find myself putting someone else's needs first?
Is that kindness, or is it a familiar way of keeping someone close?
Which feels most familiar: fearing being left, fearing not being good enough, or struggling to believe my needs matter?
Do I notice the same patterns, or the same kind of person, coming up again and again?
What would I like to do differently this time?

Listen to the conversation

This article grew out of the first episode of our Unstuck series on relationships in midlife, where we share the themes from your stories, explore why midlife brings relationships into such sharp focus, and think about Anna's experience through the lens of our model.

Listen to the episodes here on 2 Together, or wherever you normally get your podcasts.

Next time, we take a deeper look at the lenses that keep familiar relationship patterns returning, especially Abandonment and Defectiveness/Shame.

And please keep your stories coming. You can get in touch through our website at 2-together.com, or send us a message or voice note on Instagram.

If this got you thinking

A few places to go next if you want to explore midlife relationships, patterns and change.

Schema Therapy

Reinventing Your Life, Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko

An accessible introduction to longstanding patterns, including the abandonment and subjugation lifetraps, and how they show up in adult relationships.

Watch

Youth, Sharon Horgan

Sharon Horgan's comedy about dating again after divorce, with teenage children, ageing parents and menopause all in the mix.

Research

Gray divorce research, Bowling Green State University

Susan Brown and I-Fen Lin's research on divorce after 50, including their 2012 study The Gray Divorce Revolution, which found that divorce among adults aged 50 and over in the United States roughly doubled between 1990 and 2010.