There is a moment in burnout that can be harder than the exhaustion itself. It is the moment when I am struggling quietly becomes there is something wrong with me. You forget an appointment, snap at the children, leave an email for a week, and a colleague asks if you are okay. Instead of hearing concern, you hear that you have been found out. This is the Defectiveness and Shame lens, and it turns tiredness into a verdict on your worth.

After years of colouring her roots, one of us stopped at 48. Friends loved it. Strangers had opinions. Two young men in a bar in Leeds looked at us, pointed, and announced: Mother. Daughter. Funny, and also quietly shocking. Underneath the laughing sat a bigger question about what happens when the way other people see us starts to change, and how we tell the difference between choosing something and reacting to shame.

You promise yourself this time will be different — and yet, here you are again. If you've ever wondered why you keep ending up in the same place, you're in good company. Here's the kinder schema therapy explanation for why we get stuck, and why real change is more possible than social media makes it look.